As many have probably noticed by now, I spend a large amount of time reminiscing about the past and what I would refer to as the “Good old days.” Since the dawn of the Internet, it was provided us with many new opportunities. People like me are able to do things never before possible and truly interact with people online and get things accomplished. As someone who enjoys to routinely perform a self analysis, I have noted that as a side effect from all of this, I have developed an extremely skewed sense of time.
I wonder, is this simply a case of fascination of the abomination? (As Joseph Conrad so aptly depicts in his work, Heart of Darkness.) Quite honestly stories and history lessons about what happened in the past do not interest me. As a teenager, I hear about stories from older people all the time about their version of the “Old days” or the “Good old days.” However, speaking quite candidly I might add, I must say that most of their stories downright bore me… quite frankly, I could care less about the days when they would do this and that; I’d much rather be doing something else.
But if you delve deeper into their spirits, you can see that within the story they are telling, a living, breathing person lived. What this person is telling you is their memories and their emotion. Of course the air of feeling and the emotions, adrenaline, and passion being felt of the time is all lost in the conversion to words… one can only tell a story so accurately. The point is, this person was having the time of their life, and it is difficult for others to appreciate that time.
Now, I can’t help but wonder… will the same happen to me? Logic seems to point to yes but there are always surprises. I wonder… all my participation in Sonic the Hedgehog communities, my 2d project endeavors, my 3d modeling experiences, my time forum moderating, my contributions scripting, my historic mark on the Internet GMing, and all the wonderful times my guild and I shared during the peak of Ragnarok Online’s popularity… for naught? When I tell my stories, can I convey the sense of unity and thirst for adventure my guild and I had? Can I convey my awe at being the first Ragnarok Online 2 GM? Can I convey they joy I felt when I first entered a chat room at Nintendo.com? For what keeps memories alive is to not only harbor them in your heart, but also to share them. But exactly how much can be shared… and how much can be appreciated? For this the abomination that I might very well have a subconscious fascination with: Will the people I share my stories with not feel the same way as I did, listening to older peoples’ stories?
Indeed, such a thought for reasons I cannot explain has somehow caused me to become preoccupied with the past. Looking back, it everything seems to have taken place in the blink of an eye. As a result when I look toward the future, what fixates my attention is how different things will be then and the amount of significance my actions seem to have lost. I mean… I remember when no one had routers for their computers, and now 12 year olds play MMO games! Such preoccupations curiously draw my attention away from my present. Often times, the act of preparing to do things or looking back on doing things ends up being more enjoyable for me than doing it at all.
I don’t know, life is fascinating… perhaps this is why I want to be a doctor. All I can say is that life is an adventure. Whether or not anyone else will be able to picture it or imagine it as I do, I will continue to boldly go where my ambitions take me.