Now here is a subject that you would not really expect to see on this site… I admit it may seem a little out of the blue too. Don’t get me wrong though– This post has nothing to do with real life events. Well… Maybe a little, but probably not in the way you might think!
See, I am a science student who just finished freshman year of college. I am definitely passionate about what I do, and I also tend to have a large amount of confidence in my ambitions. In fact, my brain tends to work in such unorthodox ways that it keeps me coming up with ideas to better do things, without regard about how things have always been done. I digress, but in short, I am confident I have a bright future in my field of study and I am bubbling with ideas to play with when I finally get the chance.
So once again this summer, I am doing volunteer work/interning at facilities which will further enable me to better perform in and understand my field. Since I have, after all, only the amount of knowledge that is accumulated by the end of freshman year, I did not expect any profoundly important summer tasks. But truth be told, as I walk through the hallways of my hospital, dressed in my student’s uniform performing lowly work, I reflect almost on a daily basis that this job is only a stepping stone for me to get to the top. As I work, I think to myself that one day, I will be calling the shots and doing things my way in the medical field.
Then a new thought enters my head– A startling one.
After my first year of college an seeing other people, the fact remains that I will get married one day. I’m sure a number of readers could relate, but let me tell you that this thought scares me a lot. Some of my friends know that I am a rather paranoid person by nature, most likely due to my childhood (which was far more difficult than it should have been). Indeed, it takes ages for people to earn my trust and I am constantly worried that I will be betrayed somehow.
I know that I have a bright, or at the very least, promising future. In my head I frequently dream up fantasies about how my doctor’s office would be when I finally get to build one. I keep a mental list about features I would want to implement after wishing they were present at my local clinic. I even sometimes think about design elements and how I would dedicate my facility to my Mom and Dad, since they have never once put anything before my education.
Then I think about the inevitable event of me getting married.
In none of my ambitions and goals do I include a life partner. I know that I will obtain one, certainly. But when I think about building my office, and donning my blue (yes) doctor’s coat in the morning, I feel that if someone would have the potential to hinder me, I would rather wait then get married to them.
That’s not my main fear or anything though. I’m sure that if someone had that potential, they would be wrong for me anyways, right? It’s this intangibility that scares me or perhaps it frustrates me. I’m the type of person (I’m sure you have noticed) who makes detailed, long-term plans to anticipate anything that might threaten the possibility of me accomplishing what I want to do. When I have an algebraic variable such as this topic, (oh how I wish it truly were algebraic) it bothers me to no end. Normally, I would research any unknowns in order to gather enough knowledge to understand how they may impact my “equations.” Obviously, this is not possible here.
It is actually even more difficult in my case, since I come from a background and culture different from the one at my current location. To leave this country is not an option however, since I have made a commitment to carry out my studies in the United States. Thus, I am an outsider from a family who does not partake in many of the traditions here. I’m sure that my parents would want me marrying someone closer to my roots and I would like that too, since it often makes the most sense in terms of lifestyle and such. However, I have no idea as to what the process will be for me finding someone here. In fact, even writing about this topic makes me a little squeamish in my belly. I guess in the end, it cannot be helped. There are just so many unknowns, and those are which scare me.
Heh, worst math equation of my life. I wonder if my spouse will one day read this post? If that’s the case, I mean no insult or anything! Though of course, if you are my spouse, you would probably know this already~!